"Hudson Got Dead"

Yesterday we had to put the family dog down or as my text book talking 4 year old told a woman at my daughter’s soccer game “Hudson got dead.”

As a parent I struggled with the right words to explain one of life’s challenging moments; the loss of a family pet. For me who had loved Hudson for 15 years saying he was dead was difficult to say. It sounded so final and harsh. I wanted my euphemisms, my soft language that wasn’t so direct. I wanted to say he was sleeping, gone to doggy heaven, or the farm. The instinct to protect my kids from life’s harsh realities was kicking in and kicking in hard. But as a professional who works to support children and families in crisis I had to face my own fears, practice what I preach and tell the truth. The truth for a four year old is “Hudson got dead.”

We had actually started this journey months ago when he first started to show signs of his age. We talked about a how the body gets older things wear out. Hudson really couldn’t see very well anymore, he had trouble getting up and down the stairs and often needed to be carried. (He was a 7lb Yorkshire Terrier). He had developed a few infections and had to have teeth removed. So on Friday morning after two days of watching him walk into walls and circles I decided it was time to let him go. (the infection in his jaw bone had actually spread to his brain causing dementia). I made the call in private and after a good cry, spoke with my husband about talking with the kids.

We sat them down together my son is 4 my daughter 8; understanding death very differently. My son still believes death is reversible and my daughter asked if the medicine the vet gave him was like the medicine the doctor’s gave her great aunt to make her comfortable when she died. I was pretty impressed with the connection. I proceeded to explain in language they could understand; simple, honest, and concrete.
I stated clearly, “The veterinarian or animal doctor would give Hudson medicine. This medicine would stop his heart; he wouldn’t be able to breath, run, play, or bark. Everything in the body would stop working and he would be (gulp, big breath) dead.”

I knew I had to say it for my own good as much as for theirs. The clearer I was now the easier to explain again when we were at the vet’s office. Children need new or scary information reiterated many times in order to begin to process it and make sense of it. We also read Lifetimes and the Dead Bird. Twice. Reading the stories reinforced the new information in a way that is both comforting and familiar. This would continue to be a way to revisit new information as weeks and months passed and each child was still processing the information at their pace.
The kids made pictures and cards for him writing how much they loved him. We took him on his dog bed and drove to the vet. While there, my son was bouncing off the walls and my daughter had a look of concern not really sure how to react or respond to her mother’s fluctuations between moments of clarity and tears.

The vet first gave him a tranquilizer; I explained "This medicine would help him sleep and feel relaxed his bones wouldn’t ache and he would be comfortable."

During the 10-15 minutes the medicine takes to work, we talked to the dog. We talked about how much we loved him. Offering them an opportunity to say good-bye, I asked each child to say what they would miss or love about Hudson.

My son said “Hudson’s fur is soft, some dog’s fur is hard but Hudson’s is soft and I like to pet him”

My daughter said she would always remember him in her heart. I had told both kids that if they needed to leave the room at any time that would be okay. It was fine if they needed to step out and come back in. When under stress children do best if they can come and go from it. Processing the information in increments and having the opportunity to manage their own stress levels by leaving doing something else then coming back when ready. My husband periodically walked them outside and we allowed them to come and go, touch Hudson, pet him again, talk to him, say what they needed then leave again.

As the vet came and gave the final medicine that would stop his heart. She pushed it in and my son stated “that’s the medicine that makes Hudson dead.” I wanted to cry. I knew it was true but it broke my heart to hear it.

We each took a few more minutes to say our final good-byes then left. Hudson lay peacefully on his bed with the cards made for him by the kids.

My textbook son as we get in the car asks when we will pick him up. I know this will go on for days maybe months. At 4 he doesn’t under the permanence of death. But I also know I have laid the groundwork to begin to understand and we have communicated openly and honestly with our kids giving them the tools to understand loss and not be devastated by it but to grow through each experience.

In the days following I have answered many questions about his body and what happened to it. Leaving him at the vet is confusing to a child. When children get to see you bury a pet there is a sense of finality about it, a sense of over, done, dead. Leaving Hudson’s body in the office is a present day problem when explaining death to a young child. I can explain the process: His heart stopped, but to a four year old whose understanding of death is fleeting leaving the dog there is confusing. Until developmentally he understands death is permanent I will repeat the facts, reiterate the process, and continue to be a supportive loving parent. Overtime even I may believe Hudson is really dead too.

Family Stress Management...Strategies for getting your kids to sleep

Everyone feels better with a good night’s sleep, and when the children get one too the whole family feels better and less stressed. With a good night sleep children are better equipped to face challenges throughout the day, as well as perform better in school. By adding these simple strategies to your bedtime routine children will fall asleep easier and wake the next day refueled, refocused, and ready for the day creating a less stressful family environment.

Blow worries away

Before bed children often need to decompress about the day’s events. For young children a way to offer this is to blow some bubbles. Have children imagine putting their worries into each bubble and watch it drift into the evening sky. For older children journaling, worry dolls, or placing beads or any small object into a box or plastic bottle; one to represent each worry is a way to voice concerns and put it “away” for the night. Once children have rid themselves of the “weight” they can experience a peaceful rest and be ready to face the next day.

Learn to Relax

At the end of a long day, we all may find it hard to let go of the days stress, making it hard to fall asleep, get a good rest, or focus on a task. Teaching children how to "let go" is as easy as pretending to be a wet noodle or a rag doll. Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) walks the body step by step through each muscle, tensing then relaxing. Start by asking your child to make a fist and to straighten their arms out tight, as if they were a tall tree trunk and then release them; imagining letting go like a leaf falling from a tree. Follow with all parts of the body until the child has completely relaxed.
PMR also offers children the opportunity to learn where in their body they harbor tension allowing them to focus on that area. By taking deep breaths or imagining a soothing color offers kids a way to "wash away" the stress of the day leading to a better night’s sleep.

Picking a dream

Have your children choose what they would like to dream about. Helping children to create in their mind a sacred place can lead to increased relaxation and a better night sleep. Create with your child a sacred space that they can go to anytime. Ask them to describe it to you, what would it look? Who would be there with you? What would you eat? The more detail you ask for, the more vivid the image, the easier it is to regain those peaceful feelings associated with the memory. Some children will combine more than one memory or include things they wished had happened or make up an entirely imaginary dream. Asking children to create in their mind a special place that brings them peace and comfort offers them an opportunity to experience tranquility and safety while falling asleep.

Today's children are more stressed out than ever before academically, socially, and physically due to increased media, school and social pressure. Providing children with a repertoire of tools to face challenges can lead to increase self-esteem, promote creativity, and build positive relationships with family and friends. By offering children strategies for falling asleep helps them to learn a lifelong skill and manage their own stress, all leading to a decrease in parental stress and a more peaceful home.


For more fun and engaging ways to help your children manage stress, build self-esteem, and get a better nights sleep, download the e-book Following Imagination...Activities that Move, Create, and Play with the Fundamentals of Guided Imagery

Sample Activity from the Book- Following Imagination...Activities that Move, Create, and Play with the Fundamentals of Guided Imagery

Try this activity at home or hospital to help with stress, anxiety, pain management or as a tool for helping your child get to sleep at night.

Imagination Scrapbook

Ages: 7 years old-adolescence

Materials: Paper
Markers
Hole punch
Ribbon

Activity: Ask the child to write one of each of the following headings on each page or make up his own:
A place I would like to go real or imagined is…
The things I would need to bring with me are…
It looks like…
It feels like…
The things I hear are…
While there I eat…
It smells like…
The people who are with me are…
A time I want to think about my special place is…

Ask the child to then fill in each page. They can write words, draw pictures, or cut images from magazines. Encourage him to go into as much detail as possible on each page. Some pages may inspire more creativity than others. This is one way to determine the child’s strongest sense or learning style.

When the book is complete the child can create a cover and title for the book. Punch three holes down one side and tie with ribbon to hold it together.

Discussion: Talk about times when he might think about this place. How did it make him feel while he was creating the book? Did he get excited when describing it or sharing stories about the location or the people he was with? Help him to identify times of stress or anxiety for example, trouble sleeping, going to the doctor’s office, or giving an oral report in school. By thinking about his special place may help him to relax and feel in control of situations that may cause him stress.

This book is useful at times of pain, anxiety or stress to be able to say “remember when we made that book about your safe place?” “Tell me about your trip to __________ again” getting the child to focus on something that brings comfort may help a child manage stressful experiences better.


Benefits: Teaches relaxation
Distraction technique
Promotes creativity


Uses: Decreases anxiety
Pain management (acute or chronic)
Creation of safe space
Sleeping

For more activities like this one go to www.guidedimageryforchildren.com
Read more about the book in the following post Reducing Children's Stress

Reducing Stress in Children's Lives

Today's children are more stressed out than ever before academically, socially, and physically due to increased media, school and social pressure. Providing children with a repertoire of tools to face challenges can lead to increase self-esteem, promote creativity, and build positive relationships with family and friends.  Teaching children strategies for relaxation, affirmation, and better sleep can lead to a child or teen being better able to manage stressful situations, perform better at school, or resist peer pressure.

Following Imagination...Activities that Move, Create, and Play with the Fundamentals of Guided Imagery, offers a variety of fun and engaging activities and games. Each chapter focuses on a specific topic starting with The Basics; learning deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation, to Sacred Spaces and Special Places teaches children how to create their own visualization and "script" for better sleep or facing daily or new challenges. The final chapter, Inner Soul provides children and teens strategies for creating positive affirmations that are intrinsic leading to good feelings from within not relying on outside sources like the media to feel good about themselves.

The more than 30 page book has over a dozen activities with easy to understand directions, uses, and benefits. Materials are easy to find, inexpensive, and many can be made from recyclables found around the house. Each activity or game engages children in an art activity or interactive game that teaches children and families how to incorporate guided imagery techniques into their daily lives. The activities offer parents, practitioners, as well as anyone looking for unique and innovative ways to holistically support children’s growth and development, build self-esteem, and promote creativity through movement, play and imagination.

Following Imagination...Activities that Move, Create, and Play with the Fundamentals of Guided Imagery utilizes the essence of what makes children unique in their approach to life to support them as they grow, learn, and develop.

For more information or to download the E- book go to www.guidedimageryforchildren.com
Read more information about using guided imagery in Support Groups or as a tool for managing Family Stress

Strategies for Communicating with your Child

Do you have a child like mine who at six years old is a magnificent storyteller? She can go for what seems like hours, barely taking a breath; telling stories about a band of rogue princesses slaying dragons on a cloud of marshmallow, or sharing every glorious yet inane detail with me about her life. Or is your child quieter more introspective and you wonder? What goes on inside his head? Regardless of age or temperament of your child, we all long for more moments where we feel as though we have made a connection with our child. In a busy world sometimes it feels like day to day logistics have taken' over as meaningful conversation. The time between school, work, and extracurricular activities doesn't have to be lost in the abyss of daily routines.

Whether you have a preschooler or teen, the following strategies are easily integrated into a busy day. Remember every family and every child is different use the the strategies as a place to start and tweak the information to fit your family and parenting style.

Hold them captive

Parent's today compete with so much technology daily that the car is the one place you can have your child's undivided attention. The back seat/front seat situation offers a level of comfort for kids they don't have to look you in the eye or see you wince if they ask or say something you weren't really prepared for. Driving provides the opportunity to also think through an answer and take pauses as you navigate busy roads. The time spent driving from one activity to another can be time discovering what is going on in your child's life.

OMG, TTFN

Technology is everywhere and instead of resisting, with your child it may pay to join in. Text, email, call or snail mail your child. Send a brief text to say "how r you, or just a quick "hey what's up." Email your child how proud you are of them on a recent achievement or maybe even send what we call in our house a "just because card" as another way to let your child know you are thinking about him and you are available to either shoot the breeze or have a serious talk .

Find a Medium
(and I don't mean the psychic kind)

Ask your child to join you as you walk the family dog, play a game or work on a project together. Use kicking a ball around the backyard as the excuse to spend time with your child. Because the focus is on the game your child will feel less pressure and may be more likely to open up and share about what's on his mind. Don't be hijacked by teaching the game or better foot skills, use it as a time to be present with your child and you may discover a few things about your child.

Talking Turkey

Studies have shown that children of families who eat together are less likely to use drugs and perform better in school. Use the dinner table to open up the lines of communication and connect with your child. Asking your child about her day or a topic in the media may spark a conversation you may not have otherwise had. Don't lecture but listen to your child's opinion and offer some of your own. Not sure how to start? Try a simple "check-in" asking each child about some part of her day or play the joys and concerns game where each child lists one joy of the day and something they are concerned about.

Sunrise or Dead of night

Whether your child is a night owl or early riser, join him for a few minutes before the day gets started and the hassles of the day haven't added a layer of stress or right before bed to debrief about the day for a better night's sleep. These few minutes each day, add up sending a message that regardless if its the crack of dawn or middle of the night you always have time to talk.

Talking with your child can be as frustrating as it is rewarding. Finding the right words is hard enough without the added pressure of finding the right time and place. Use what is available to you, dinnertime, drives to and fro, or doing a puzzle together offer opportunities for talking that could have been lost in space now have the potential to become precious moments.

Education Equation: Connecting Home, School, and Hospital for the Child with a Chronic Illness

Sending our children to school is often one of those zen moments when you think Ahhh a few hours of peace to have a thought that you can continue for longer than 5 seconds before being interrupted. Or it can be a time of worrying about if your child is doing okay in school; making friends, fitting in, and learning. For parents of children with chronic illness, they worry. They worry about what will happen if their child with diabetes doesn't get his snack in time or will he miss something important when he steps out of the room to get his insulin injection. Others worry if their child has a seizure will the teacher know what to do to prevent injury. Do the other children tease the child with asthma because she can't play tag without loosing her breath or make fun of the girl with celiac disease because she brings gluten free snacks instead of a bag of pretzels or yogurt cup with graham cracker topping.
Children with chronic illness do go to school. Parents, educators, and health care providers can work together to create a plan for the educational, emotional, psychological and social needs of otherwise healthy developing children. By promoting empathy, accessible information, and additional support for the classroom teacher, going to school doesn't have to be a health hazard.

Empower Your Child

Make sure your child understands his own disease. Using age-appropriate explanations explain your child's disease to him. Find analogies that he can relate to. For example, a seizure is like when too many people are talking at once and no one can hear the message so everyone starts doing whatever they want causing there to be lots of confusion. Role play situations where he may be teased or singled out. Work through responses together practicing when to walk away, tell you or the teacher, or rehearse how to respond. When a child is given honest answers about his illness he is empowered to answer students questions, respond to thoughtless comments, and take ownership of his disease. Remember also, as your child gets older he will need more information and details about his illness and care.

Easing School Transitions

For a newly diagnosed child or a child starting at a new school getting help from a certified child life specialist(CCLS) can help ease the transition back to school. A CCLS will talk first with your child about what she wants her friends to know about her illness. If she would like the CCLS to speak with the whole class (usually pre-school and elementary age) or just a few friends (middle and high school). How much involvement would she like to have in the presentation and and specific concerns she may be having. Doing a school visit in conjunction with a health care provider supports the child's return to normalcy by addressing the illness, negating any misunderstandings, and clearing up any rumors.
Because the information is presented in a developmentally appropriate way it becomes matter of fact, leading to an increased understanding, promoting empathy, and building stronger friendships.

Create a Network

Create a network of professionals. Speak with your child's teacher, school nurse or guidance counselor. Empower the professionals with information that is easy to understand, talk with them about your child's particular symptoms and triggers and work with the school to design ways to build empathy, promote friendships, and ease transitions back to school after an absence. Enlist the help of your pediatrician or a nurse practitioner to function as a liaison between school and medical center to provide the school with the information the school needs in order to create a safe environment for your child. Work with the child life specialist to help educate parents and students about dietary issues, health risks, and ways to include the child with chronic illness without making her the focus or cause her to stand out more.

This three pronged system of home, school, and hospital will help all parties feel comfortable with plans for emergencies, complications or concerns. Making sure that the classroom teacher feels supported in an area where she most likely has little experience will increase your child's child's potential for success at school academically and socially. As the parent, you are the glue that binds, acting as gatekeeper and key communicator will help your child feel more secure at school to speak up if there is a problem physically, emotionally or academically.

Every mother looks forward to that Ahhh moment, for the parent of a child with a chronic illness by empowering her child and employing the expertise of a team of professionals can help her find her moment of zen.

Strategies for Talking to Your Children about Divorce

Preparing children for a divorce can be daunting and feel overwhelming, your feelings of uncertainty in your own life can spill over into your children's life leading to changes in behavior and feelings of shame and/or blame. Most people do better with new information and changes when we know and understand what to expect. Children are no different, even information as adults we find difficult to process. When presented in a loving and thoughtful environment using age appropriate explanations children feel supported and can begin to understand the changes occurring in their lives.

Tell the Children Together

Your marriage may be ending, however, you are both still parents of your children and together you are still a family. Sitting down as a family shows your children that although you are not staying married you are still a team working together as parents. You can start by telling your children the "story" of your relationship, how you met, got married, and started a family. Eventually you encountered problems some you could work out others that could not be easily fixed ultimately leading to a divorce.

A simple explanation for divorce for younger children may be to explain that a divorce is when both mom and dad fight and find it hard to agree on things, sometimes making it hard to live together. That your living arrangements may change, but what won't change is how you as parents feel about your children. Make sure they know that you both love them and agree to try to work together to help your children understand what is happening.

As parents you can promote open communication by asking your children to let you both know when an arrangement is not working for them. You can involve older children in the process asking them what they need in order to feel comfortable with the new changes. Allowing children to participate offers them the opportunity grow through, accept, handle, and possibly embrace challenges and changes they may be facing.

Change may be Different, But its Not all Bad

Change is a part of life, seasons change, styles change, children change as they grow, learn, and develop. Changes can be hard but can often lead to a deeper understanding and appreciation for what we had and what's to come. Talk to your children about how both mom and dad worked to resolve the problems and that neither parent or the children are to blame. Explain also that change is a work in progress, remind your children how long it took them to learn to ride a bike or the how they felt on the first day of school. Talk to them about feeling both scared and excited, nervous about new changes and that its okay to feel a sense of relief that the tension between mom and dad is finally being discussed.

Change can foster new relationships with either parent or discovering a new way to do things. Allow children to grieve the loss of the family they knew as they begin to accept the family they have now. Help your children with the transition from one home to two by buying doubles of everyday items. Not having to pack a cell phone charger or wondering if you have enough clean underwear makes moving between homes a lot less stressful. Send out an email or memo to close family and friends it will take the pressure off you and your children to have to explain the changes and bringing up feelings at unexpected and unwanted times. At the beginning of each school year send a letter, email, or phone the teacher explaining the living situation and how you would like to be informed of special events or if you are needed to bring cookies for a class party avoiding putting your children in the middle.

Keep the Focus on the Children

Keep the focus on your children by continuing to check yourself. When issues arise ask yourself, "Is this about my child or my ex-spouse? How will this decision affect my child?" Make sure that each conversation about or with your spouse is child centered and does not become a "blame game." Make sure your children know how much you both love them and that that will never change regardless of age, time, or new challenges and changes that may come over time. In order for your children to continue to develop healthy relationships, its important as parents to work together, modeling for your children two adults who don't always agree but are willing to listen to each other for the sake of their children. Try not to speak badly about each other or argue in front of your children. Seek out help if you think your children need to talk to someone other than a parent. An older child who has experienced a divorce, school therapist, social worker of certified child life specialist all are professionals who are available to support your family as you adjust to changes and challenges in your life.

Divorce does not have to define children's lives. Children will face many challenges in their lives, death of a loved one, first time at sleepover camp, or the first day of school, scared and unsure but with the right amount of preparation, information, love and support your children may discover an inner strength, a new skill and enjoy greater responsibilities. Life will be different but different doesn't have to mean bad. Different can be a challenge you face and conquer together as a family and eventually different becomes your new normal.