When A Loved One Dies...What to tell the children

Genevieve Lowry M.Ed, CCLS
Certified Child Life Specialist
Practical Parenting Solutions
www.practicalparentingsolutions.com

Recently, a good friend of my sister's daughter died in a car accident. My niece is 16 years old and still of the mind set that she is immortal, needless to say she took it hard. My sister called me, as much for sisterly love, as for advice and reassurance that she was doing the right things to best support her daughter. As parents we want to help our children but if we are struggling with our own grief, it is difficult for parents to see through the haze of our own emotions as we struggle with the loss of a parent, spouse or child. Regardless of if a loved one dies due to illness, trauma, or accident, most people need some guidance to find the right words, timing, and approach to help children and teens understand their own grief and begin the healing process.

All children grieve regardless of age. Supporting your children throughout the grieving process fosters normal growth and development by helping them to recognize that all things die and that death is a part of life. The following is a developmental approach to understanding children's grief, and some suggestions to use as guidelines for supporting your children or teens through their grieving process.

Infants/Toddlers: Infants and toddlers may not understand what has happened but they can sense a change in schedules or the caregivers anxiety. Try to continue with routines and consistency of caregivers, limiting the number of changes and people coming and going from the baby's life will provide normalcy and decrease the stress on the baby and those caring for him.

Preschoolers: Preschool age children need simple honest explanations. Try to stay away from euphemisms like "went to sleep." It confuses them and may lead to a belief that they can wake the person up or they may become afraid to go to sleep at night thinking they may die as well. Keep your explanations limited to facts, "Grandpa's heart stopped working, the doctor's tried to fix it but they couldn't" Reassure preschool age children that mommy and daddy are healthy (or whoever is the primary caregiver) and that their hearts are working fine. This age group will also need to have information repeated often before they are able to understand the death as final.

School age children: School age children also need honest answers however, they will want to know a little more of the details. Ask open ended questions in order to gauge how much and what information they are really asking for. This age group may want to go to the funeral or wake, talk to them about what they will see and hear when there. Assign a trusted adult to take them home when they are ready to leave.

Adolescents: Teenagers may experience extreme emotions and want to spend time with their friends rather than family. Be prepared for the roller coaster ride as one day they are leaning on mom and dad and the next day blaming them. Parents and caregivers should offer open and honest communication, by letting the teen know you are available to talk whenever they need to.

Encourage your children to create memorials: Collages of pictures, write a letter, or running a race in someone's honor are all ways to say good-bye as well as remember the loved one positively.

Saying Good-bye: It is important to say good-bye. If children want to attend the funeral or wake, explain what they may see or hear. If they decide to not attend, discuss alternate ways to say good-bye.

Visit the Funeral Home: Most funeral homes will allow families to bring children in before family and friends arrive. A certified child life specialist can assist you and your children with this visit by helping parents to find the right words to explain wake or funeral, as well as, providing children the opportunity to say good-bye, express their emotions privately, ask questions and dispel fears and misconceptions.

Suggested Resource for Bereaved Parents, Children, and Teens
Bibliography for Healthcare Professionals

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Reiki is a gentle hands on healing therapy that promotes relaxation, eases, pain, and anxiety. It is a great tool for health care workers, educators, and parents who are looking for natural ways to support their patients and families.

Dr. Oz and Reiki on You Tube

For more information on Reiki scroll down to Using Reiki for Self-Care and Reiki and the Family.

Upcoming Reiki I class Saturday February 6, 2010
10-4pm
River Edge, NJ
easily accessible by train or 20 minutes from the GWB
A few blocks from the Riverside Square Mall

To register: www.practicalparentingsolutions.com
A portion of the proceeds from this class will go to the Presbyterian Disaster Relief Fund
a non-denominational organization supporting the relief efforts in Haiti.