Strategies for Talking to Your Children about Divorce

Preparing children for a divorce can be daunting and feel overwhelming, your feelings of uncertainty in your own life can spill over into your children's life leading to changes in behavior and feelings of shame and/or blame. Most people do better with new information and changes when we know and understand what to expect. Children are no different, even information as adults we find difficult to process. When presented in a loving and thoughtful environment using age appropriate explanations children feel supported and can begin to understand the changes occurring in their lives.

Tell the Children Together

Your marriage may be ending, however, you are both still parents of your children and together you are still a family. Sitting down as a family shows your children that although you are not staying married you are still a team working together as parents. You can start by telling your children the "story" of your relationship, how you met, got married, and started a family. Eventually you encountered problems some you could work out others that could not be easily fixed ultimately leading to a divorce.

A simple explanation for divorce for younger children may be to explain that a divorce is when both mom and dad fight and find it hard to agree on things, sometimes making it hard to live together. That your living arrangements may change, but what won't change is how you as parents feel about your children. Make sure they know that you both love them and agree to try to work together to help your children understand what is happening.

As parents you can promote open communication by asking your children to let you both know when an arrangement is not working for them. You can involve older children in the process asking them what they need in order to feel comfortable with the new changes. Allowing children to participate offers them the opportunity grow through, accept, handle, and possibly embrace challenges and changes they may be facing.

Change may be Different, But its Not all Bad

Change is a part of life, seasons change, styles change, children change as they grow, learn, and develop. Changes can be hard but can often lead to a deeper understanding and appreciation for what we had and what's to come. Talk to your children about how both mom and dad worked to resolve the problems and that neither parent or the children are to blame. Explain also that change is a work in progress, remind your children how long it took them to learn to ride a bike or the how they felt on the first day of school. Talk to them about feeling both scared and excited, nervous about new changes and that its okay to feel a sense of relief that the tension between mom and dad is finally being discussed.

Change can foster new relationships with either parent or discovering a new way to do things. Allow children to grieve the loss of the family they knew as they begin to accept the family they have now. Help your children with the transition from one home to two by buying doubles of everyday items. Not having to pack a cell phone charger or wondering if you have enough clean underwear makes moving between homes a lot less stressful. Send out an email or memo to close family and friends it will take the pressure off you and your children to have to explain the changes and bringing up feelings at unexpected and unwanted times. At the beginning of each school year send a letter, email, or phone the teacher explaining the living situation and how you would like to be informed of special events or if you are needed to bring cookies for a class party avoiding putting your children in the middle.

Keep the Focus on the Children

Keep the focus on your children by continuing to check yourself. When issues arise ask yourself, "Is this about my child or my ex-spouse? How will this decision affect my child?" Make sure that each conversation about or with your spouse is child centered and does not become a "blame game." Make sure your children know how much you both love them and that that will never change regardless of age, time, or new challenges and changes that may come over time. In order for your children to continue to develop healthy relationships, its important as parents to work together, modeling for your children two adults who don't always agree but are willing to listen to each other for the sake of their children. Try not to speak badly about each other or argue in front of your children. Seek out help if you think your children need to talk to someone other than a parent. An older child who has experienced a divorce, school therapist, social worker of certified child life specialist all are professionals who are available to support your family as you adjust to changes and challenges in your life.

Divorce does not have to define children's lives. Children will face many challenges in their lives, death of a loved one, first time at sleepover camp, or the first day of school, scared and unsure but with the right amount of preparation, information, love and support your children may discover an inner strength, a new skill and enjoy greater responsibilities. Life will be different but different doesn't have to mean bad. Different can be a challenge you face and conquer together as a family and eventually different becomes your new normal.